April 2024 Horoscopes! Alright, listen up, star seekers! It’s time for your monthly dose of astrological absurdity. Get ready to dive deep into the cosmic confusion that April has in store for you.
But fair warning, this ain’t your grandma’s horoscope. We’re ditching sugar-coated kindness and embracing brutal honesty instead. We have news for you this IS your circus and those ARE your monkeys!
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Aries: March 20, 2023 – April 20, 2023
Get ready for a rollercoaster ride of alcohol-infused mayhem, Aries! With the new moon turbulence hitting you hard this month, you can throw back a shot or two but try to reign in some of those crazy impulses before they lead you into a world of regret and some seriously questionable decisions…
This month, avoid the astrological wasteland that is the consequence of your usual antics and try to find some grounding amidst the madness. You absolutely plan on taking it too far, but try to resist the urge.
Cosmic shifts are pressing you to blaze new trails, but make sure you’re not leaving behind a trail of destruction. Confidence is key, but remember, no filter doesn’t always equal success!
Taurus: April 20, 2023 – May 21, 2023
Nurture your home and happiness this month, Taurus. While you may feel the urge to ditch all domestic themes for something more exciting, it’s essential to find some stability in your surroundings. Who wants to wash dishes after all, we know!
The cosmos are aligning to bring you calming vibes, so take advantage of this time to focus on building a solid foundation. Sure, you may be tempted by the drama, but remember, true prosperity comes from within so seek out some self-care whether that means treating yourself to a spa day or binge-watching cat videos on the internet.
Gemini: May 21, 2023 – June 21, 2023
This month, Gemini, we are coming at you with the wisdom you need to hear to get you through this month. Trust yourself. With retrograde wreaking havoc on your plans, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But fear not, for your adaptable nature will see you through!
But be sure to avoid that unsolicited advice and 8-ball handout from your friendly neighborhood hobo loco. While it may seem like a good idea at the time, you’ll likely regret it later.
Cancer: June 21, 2023 – July 22, 2023
Dear Cancer, this month is all about epiphanies and emotional growth. While you may feel the urge to retreat into your shell, cosmic shifts are pushing you to step out and jump into the unknown.
It’s time to ditch the self-doubt and reach for your inner feminist warrior. However, be mindful of your tendency to let your emotions run wild. It will only lead to trouble. Instead, focus on nurturing your relationships and cultivating genuine connections. You’ll thank yourself later.
Just remember to keep your wits about you and avoid signing any contracts in blood. And for the love of all that’s holy, steer clear of that sketchy-looking van offering “free candy.” Trust me, it’s not worth it.
Leo: July 22, 2023 – August 23, 2023
Get ready for a wild ride, Leo! With cosmic shifts shaking things up, it’s time for you to embrace change with open arms. This month, you’re feeling confident and ready to take on the world, but be careful not to let your big mouth get the best of you. Remember, sometimes the best advice comes from the most unexpected sources!
Instead, try setting some reasonable goals. Remember, I’m not here to hand out gold stars, so get out there and make things happen.
Virgo: August 23, 2023 – September 23, 2023
This month, Virgo, it’s all about getting weird. Break free from your usual routine and embrace the strange and unusual. Step outside of your comfort zone and explore new horizons, whether that means attending a goat yoga class, experimenting with molecular gastronomy, or learning to speak Klingon.
Embrace your inner weirdo and let your freak flag fly high – after all, normal is vastly overrated. And if anyone questions your newfound eccentricity, just give them a polite smile and inform them that you’re simply expanding your intellectual horizons.
Libra: September 23, 2023 – October 23, 2023
Libra, this month, the stars are warning you to beware of toxic relationships and drama llamas. Avoid presumptuous men and focus on nurturing your own happiness.
Embrace your inner peace and channel it into something positive like staging elaborate performance art pieces in your backyard, just remember to stay true to yourself and never apologize for being fabulous. Oh, and maybe steer clear of the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet – trust me, it’s not worth the indigestion.
Scorpio: October 23, 2023 – November 22, 2023
Scorpio, get ready for a month of intense emotions and inner turmoil. The stars are warning you to beware of jealousy and manipulation. Avoid it at all costs. Instead, channel your energy into something productive, like organizing your sock drawer.
Take time to enjoy the weird and wonderful world around you. This is a time for deep introspection and personal growth, so go ahead on the journey and trust that everything will work out in the end. Just be sure to avoid any overzealous street performers trying to recruit you for their one-man band. We don’t want to have to tell you we told you so..
Sagittarius: November 22, 2023 – December 21, 2023
Dear Sagittarius, get ready for a month of adventure and excitement! Seize your adventurous spirit and ignite your sense of wanderlust! Pack your bags and prepare for the unexpected. Whether you’re hitchhiking across the country, backpacking, or spelunking in a bat-infested cave you are going to have fun! However, we do recommend you axe that Vegas trip because it will likely lead to chlamydia.
Family affairs might be on your mind, but don’t let them consume you. Instead, focus on nurturing your relationships and embrace your inner wild card. Oh, and don’t skip coffee this week – you’re going to need it to keep up with your busy schedule.
Capricorn: December 21, 2023 – January 20, 2024
Capricorn, this month, grasp your individuality and break free from the boring. Start a revolution from your basement or try communicating with extraterrestrial beings because this month is going to be a trip down the rabbit hole of weird and wonderful experiences for you.
But if you get carried away you might find yourself drawn to unconventional hobbies like collecting vintage taxidermy or performing amateur exorcisms in your spare time. Just remember to approach these endeavors with caution and maybe invest in a good pair of rubber gloves.
Aquarius: January 20, 2023 – February 18, 2023
Dear Aquarius, get ready for a month of unexpected twists and turns. The stars are warning you of potential drama, so steer clear of gossip and psychological mind games. We are telling you to prioritize self-care and emotional well-being to avoid getting caught up in the murky waters of your subconscious.
We see a whirlwind of energy, and you’re right in the center of it all. Find your inner rebel and don’t let anything overshadow your own needs. – after all, normal is just a setting on the dryer.
Pisces: February 18, 2023 – March 20, 2023
Pisces, this month, the stars are telling you to slow down and smell the roses. Seriously, you’re in a funk, and it’s time to read a book or something.
You may hit some emotional highs and lows. The stars are warning you to beware of toxic relationships and drama queens. Maybe try communicating exclusively in interpretive dance or even better try an impromptu dance party in your living room. Just whatever you do, don’t let anyone dim your sparkle – unless, of course, they’re offering to lend you their bedazzler.
Well, babes, there you have it – your dose of astrological hilarity for April 2024! Whether you’re riding the wanton waves of retrograde or basking in the glow of cosmic prosperity, just remember not to take yourself too seriously. Cheers to navigating this cosmic circus we call life!
All the zodiac sign art is from artist Sidney Hall
I Chug My Wine 