March 2024 Horoscopes! We lassoed the moon and followed the stars to bring you these horoscopes! The earth is turning and comets are dancing in mysterious ways.
We’re going to lay it on you, hope you’re ready! 🔮 Get ready for some inappropriate and funny horoscopes for March 2024!
(Be sure to follow us for some very lucky karma!)
Aries: March 20, 2023 – April 20, 2023
It’s all about fun activities for you this month, Aries! But your resting bitch face might scare off potential partners so check it. Your intensity might have some people running for the hills, but those who stick around will appreciate your passion. Take a breath, put the big guns away, and let things unfold naturally.
Taurus: April 20, 2023 – May 21, 2023
Buckle up, Taurus! This month might feel like a dumpster fire, but fear not. Legit: you need to chill out. Take a moment to think before you leap. Remember, it’s okay to take things slow every once in a while.
But be warned, we predict a debt will be repaid soon, and it’ll cost you. Go ahead and take that to the bank.
Gemini: May 21, 2023 – June 21, 2023
Hold on tight, Gemini! Your dual nature might be in full swing this month, causing some emotional whirlwinds. Let your sense of humor shine through. Remember, not every problem needs an immediate solution. Focus on self-love, literally, and treat yourself to that new vibrator, you deserve it.
Cancer: June 21, 2023 – July 22, 2023
Oh dear, Cancer, it’s time for some real talk. March might feel like a cosmic rollercoaster ride. Your sensitive soul might feel overwhelmed by the chaos around you, especially in your relationships. But fear not, for this too shall pass. Take a step back, indulge in some self-care, and remember that you’re stronger than you think. Book that overpriced spa day.
Leo: July 22, 2023 – August 23, 2023
Roar into March with confidence, Leo! Your natural charisma might attract attention, but watch out for clashes of the ego! Adventure awaits this month! Embrace your spontaneity and explore new horizons. But don’t forget to ground yourself occasionally. Your wild spirit might lead you astray if you’re not careful.
Virgo: August 23, 2023 – September 23, 2023
Keep calm and carry on, Virgo! Your perfectionist tendencies might be on overdrive this month, but remember to give yourself a break. Indulge in some relaxation time and let go of the need for control. Binge a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and escape into a Gilmore Girl’s marathon. You’ll thank yourself later.
Libra: September 23, 2023 – October 23, 2023
Find your balance, Libra! Life might throw some curveballs your way this month, but remember to trust in your ability to navigate through them. It’s okay to say no to things that don’t serve you and prioritize your own well-being. Say it with me, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.” Byeee.
Scorpio: October 23, 2023 – November 22, 2023
Dive deep, Scorpio! Your intense emotions might be bubbling under the surface, but don’t let them overtake you. Your intensity might be overwhelming this month, so take a step back and reassess your priorities. Don’t let minor panic attacks derail you.
Channel that passion into productive outlets and remember that not everything needs to be a dramatic showdown. Sometimes, a little restraint can go a long way. Stay focused, and success will follow.
Sagittarius: November 22, 2023 – December 21, 2023
Stay grounded, Sagittarius! Your forgiving spirit and optimistic nature will get you through this month but be sure to skip that upcoming tacky blind date. Take a deep breath and roll with the punches this month.
It’s time to get your financial house in order. Try to pay your bills on time this month to avoid unnecessary stress and power outages.
Capricorn: December 21, 2023 – January 20, 2024
You know what they say, Capricorn: when you get completely shit-faced at the beach, count your lucky stars you didn’t drown! Your fiery nature might lead to some intense moments in March. Don’t forget to learn from them and get back on the horse, Capricorn! Second chances abound this month.
Aquarius: January 20, 2023 – February 18, 2023
Embrace your eccentricities, Aquarius! Wear those socks with sandals. Your unique perspective sets you apart from the crowd. Don’t be afraid to march to the beat of your own drum, even if others don’t understand.
But don’t let your rebellious streak lead you astray. Sometimes, it’s okay to play by the rules and find common ground with others.
Pisces: February 18, 2023 – March 20, 2023
Your intuition will guide you this month, Pisces. Trust your gut instincts, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But don’t let your imagination run wild; stay grounded in reality and keep the delusions at bay.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it and remember that you don’t have to do everything alone. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so take it one step at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve got this.
We hope these completely inappropriate predictions made you giggle! Don’t take us too seriously because we don’t!
All the zodiac sign art is from artist Sidney Hall
I Chug My Wine 