Greetings, fellow Earthlings and cosmic wanderers! 🌌✨ Can you believe it’s already January 2024? I mean, seriously, 2024 – where did the time go? Is it just me, or did the last year fly by faster than me midweek trying to avoid my responsibilities?
First things first, 2024 – crazy, right? Feels like just yesterday we were making resolutions we knew we wouldn’t keep. Well, guess what? This year, we’ve got a foolproof plan to make it through the madness, and it’s all backed up by pure chakra and moon phases. Yes, you heard it right. No more guessing games – we’re tapping into the universe’s Wi-Fi to bring you the real scoop on what’s in store for you in 2024!
But hey, we’re not just making this up. We’ve consulted with the stars, had a heart-to-heart with the moon, and even bribed Mercury with some space treats to spill the cosmic tea. So get it, honey!
(Be sure to follow us for some very good karma!)
Aries: March 20, 2023 – April 20, 2023
Hey, Aries! In 2024, you’ll need the skill of mastering the art of patience. I know, I know – easier said than done for the energetic Ram. But trust me, waiting for your turn will save you from a cosmic collision with unexpected hurdles. Plan your future behind closed doors and realign your focus. It’s all about control for you this month.
Patience is your new superpower, embrace it like you’d embrace Liam Hemsworth… or a hot cup of space cocoa on a chilly starry night.
Taurus: April 20, 2023 – May 21, 2023
Taurus, your key skill for surviving 2024 is adaptability. The cosmic winds are blowing in all directions, and you need to be as flexible as a single mom with her kids during summer break. Whether it’s a change in plans or a surprise asteroid shower, roll with the punches, darling!
Stop spending and start paying off your debt. That’s right no more Starbucks mocha lattes for you. It’s time to get critical with your budget! And embrace change like you embrace your favorite snack – with open arms and a smile.
Gemini: May 21, 2023 – June 21, 2023
Gemini, your 2024 mantra: “Less talk, more action.” I know, shocking coming from the chatty Twins, right? But this year, the cosmos are challenging you to channel your energy into tangible results. It’s time to walk the talk, or in your case, moonwalk the talk.
Release your emotional baggage and start this year fresh with new mental investments and relationships. Put forth your bright side and walk into the new year with a new vibe. Get ready to dazzle the universe with your deeds, not just your words!
Cancer: June 21, 2023 – July 22, 2023
Dear Cancer, in 2024, you’ll need the skill of mastering the art of levitation. Why, you ask? Because the cosmic waves are throwing unexpected emotional tides your way. There may be some conflicts and disagreements in the forecast and you’ll need to rise above them like a zen master floating on a cloud.
So go ahead and indulge in a fatty and just let those emotions float away, Crab – you’re on a higher plane now!
Leo: July 22, 2023 – August 23, 2023
Leo, your key skill for conquering 2024 is humility. I know, I can hear your majestic roar of disbelief from here. But trust me, the cosmic stage is asking for a more modest performance this year. Take a bow, Lion, and let others shine in the spotlight. In lamens terms stop being so selfish!
You get to decide how you’re going to move forward into the new year. Lean towards harmony and peace. This month is a moment of transformation for you and your humility will be your secret weapon against the cosmic drama.
Virgo: August 23, 2023 – September 23, 2023
Virgo, your 2024 survival skill is embracing imperfections – both yours and others. I can hear your meticulous mind protesting, but let it go, Virgo! Being a perfectionist won’t get you far this month and trying to control everything may just harm your chances at sharing your creative talents.
The cosmic blueprint for this year includes a few ink smudges and coffee stains. Embrace the mess, and you’ll find beauty in the chaos. You’ll enjoy new pleasures and desires if you listen to this sage advice. Your new mantra: “Flaws are fabulous!”
Libra: September 23, 2023 – October 23, 2023
Libra, in 2024, your key skill is saying “no” – shocker, right? The cosmic buffet of opportunities may overwhelm you, but not every invitation is worthy of your graceful presence. Learn the art of selective socializing, and you’ll find yourself with more time for the things that truly matter.
Don’t say yes to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Limit access to yourself and clear your mind. Manifest a new positive being and make time for nature. Remember, it’s quality over quantity, dear Scales!
Scorpio: October 23, 2023 – November 22, 2023
Scorpio, your survival skill for 2024 is developing a sense of humor – yes, you heard it right. The cosmic jokes might feel like they’re testing your patience, but laughter is your secret weapon against the absurdity of it all. Prevent more worry lines and give in to fate. Break through your comfort zone, clear out clutter, and start fresh.
This month will require hard work but at the essence of it all is a face plant or some toilet paper stuck to your bitchy co workers shoe. So, embrace the punchlines, Scorpio, and let your cosmic giggle be heard throughout the galaxy!
Sagittarius: November 22, 2023 – December 21, 2023
Hey, Sagittarius! In 2024, your key skill is practicing mindfulness. I know, it sounds like I’m asking you to slow down the arrow, but trust me, the cosmic bullseye is easier to hit when you’re centered. You won’t be able to accomplish much when you’re overwhelmed this month.
Invest in things that will contribute to your coziness and comfort. It’s time to cultivate a deep sense of inner peace. Take a moment to breathe, appreciate the cosmic beauty around you, and then shoot for the stars. Mindfulness is your arrow’s secret guidance system!
Capricorn: December 21, 2023 – January 20, 2024
Happy Freaking Birthday Bitch! Capricorn, your 2024 survival skill is dancing – yes, dancing! I know, you lucky Biotch! The cosmic rhythm may throw you a curveball, but it’s time to shimmy and shake through the challenges. It’s time to focus on your own priorities and desires but I know I don’t have to tell you twice!
Set yourself up for success in 2024 by protecting your time and positive energy. Life’s a dance floor, and you’ve got the moves to navigate even the trickiest of steps. So, put on those celestial dancing shoes, Capricorn, and two-step your way through the cosmic ball!
Aquarius: January 20, 2023 – February 18, 2023
Aquarius, your key skill for 2024 is embracing change. I know, it’s like asking a penguin to fly, but this year, you’ll need to go with the cosmic flow. Go ahead and get reflective and contemplative. It’s okay to look back just don’t repeat old mistakes. You’ll need to go against your subconscious and caress the inevitable changes that are to come.
Get out of your comfort zone and sit with the worst-case scenario, now let it go. Adaptability is your middle name, so ride the waves of change like a cosmic surfer. Just remember, change is the only constant in this vast universe! – Well, that and taxes.
Pisces: February 18, 2023 – March 20, 2023
Dear Pisces, in 2024, your survival skill is setting boundaries – yes, even in the vastness of the cosmic sea it’s useful. Your empathetic nature may want to embrace every cosmic creature, but it’s time to protect your own space. Say no and know it’s okay to disappoint sometimes. Consider relationships that you’ve outgrown and take a look at what is currently serving you.
If it is not serving you just dump it already. Create a celestial fence, Fish, and swim freely within it. Boundaries are your cosmic life jacket this year!
So, there you have it, cosmic comrades! The key skills you’ll need to inherit in 2024 to deal with the complete load of cosmic crap that is heading your way. Remember, the universe has a sense of humor, so laugh in the face of chaos, dance through the stardust, and ride the cosmic rollercoaster with style. Here’s to a hilarious, unpredictable, and utterly fabulous 2024!
All the zodiac sign art is from artist Sidney Hall
I Chug My Wine 